I've done wrong, believe me, because I've let people down, humiliated and disgraced myself in front of my whole school. Thanks to those who have given me their utmost support and understanding. What I'm about to reveal here must not be let known to people who are unaware of my current situation, and obviously, not to any teachers or adults.
1. I'm going to thank Liang Da for this account as it is his hotmail account in use and also a blog that was created last year for the literature playground project and then left to forget.
2. For those who know my current situation, I can only say that I thank you for not adding to my misery that I am going through each day.
3. About that, for the past 3 weeks since the videos have made public to the school, I have felt humiliated, angry, confused and most of all, I feel that I have been separated from the rest of reality. For that I have been undergoing school councilling by Mrs Jenny Tan and Mr Rahman, to ease my frustrations and let loose what I have in me.
4. For the past 3 weeks I have been a jackass, and this time I really mean it, not like a joke since sec 1, where the yearbook photo there was a arrow at me that said 'Pink Jack' and not 'Pink Jackass' because it would be too vulgar to put it in a student book.
5. Now, after reading JiWei's blog of what he thinks of me and to those who think I'm a weirdo (I will not mention names, you know who you are.) , I can only say that you can say all you like, because I have always taken insults, no matter how bad, lightly, as my primary school friend, Nelson, if you ask him, has never seen me blow up into a rage of frustration and anger. Since the video released, I got angry easily at those around me, no matter how slight. I have been using vulgarities and shouting them out loud to shake off my feelings so I feel better.
6. I came close to bashing up one of the malay guys in my class, but instead vented off the anger against JW, and I wished that he would understand, but after reading his blog, I have found out that he is much more disappointed in me than I am against him. For that i apologize.
7. During the volleyball tournament I was mentally disturbed by the mind presence of the video, though I am not traumatized by it, I am just backing off not because I'm afraid of it, but because I do not want to hurt those around me. But apparently i have.
7(a)[Edit]
When my Mum and Dad came to talk to me around midnight, they asked me if I wanted to change school, and when they said they would force me to change, I said without guilt or shame,"If you force me to change school now, I will be defiant towards you and everyone through my attitude or learning." I share a strong bond with those VolleyBallers around me, and we depend on each other for support, through academic or our skill.
8. I did not 'do' it and ask to be videoed just so that I can change class, but I have the same goal as JW since the start of the year, and I know that he has been working hard, so that he can change class together with me, to change to 3e5 and do A maths. I have been having A maths tuition since the start of the year, with intention of taking A maths exam as a private candidate when I go into JC or Poly. JW has been working as hard as me to achieve the same results, but I have to admit, not to humiliate him, but I am better than him in maths, and he has been struggling to do better than me in the future. He looks towards me as a target for maths, and I look towards him as a brother, someone that I can count on, rely on, and trust.
9. Currently, this [Trust] barrier has been placed between him and me, and I want to knock this f***ing wall out of my sight, so that we can once more be friends.
This is an apology to all those who I have hurt, in anyway, such as arguing, showing attitude to some people, and to all my friends who have given me support:
Ji Wei
Ricky
Nelson
Liang Da
Ken
Rupert(although i am not sure what he has done to help me but I am sure he has)
Queh Zun
Clarence(Both sec 5 and 3)
Kit Lun
Mum
Dad
Brother and Sister(s) [The older one is 18 and the younger one is 6>.<]
Mr Lohkman
...And many others who I can name but I am happy to have this amount of support.
Once again thanks to Liang Da for your email account, although I have yet to ask him for permission before using it, and to Ken, for telling Mr Lohkman wha I could never have said, Nelson and Trevis, for morale support, Ricky, for cheering me up whenever I seem lost, Rupert, for making jokes I can or never will understand completely, Clarence, for being there when I need someone to talk to and lastly, Mum and Dad, who without, I would have never been able to cope with this.
Thanks fr hearing me out and my point of view:
Daniel Tan Yong Jun
